Goodbye & Good Riddance

Dear YOU,

I used to think  that maybe there was a part of me that would always want you. That maybe you were that great love I'd never be able to move past

But you didn't care about me and to be honest, I doubt you ever will. I wasted so much of my time and energy on you and for what? A few nights of fun, a text whenever you remembered I existed? I gave up part of who I was to try and make myself fit into your life.

I should probably let you know that I would sit around and wait for a text I knew would never come, a date that would never really happen, and words that would never be said. I put my life and my self worth on hold because I truly  believed that you were the guy for me. I was completely and utterly fascinated by you. Maybe because you were so much older. Maybe because you looked at me and I felt wanted. Maybe because you let me cry on your shoulder on more than one occasion. 

I should probably also let you know that a part of me hates you. For wasting my time. For making me feel unimportant, irrelevant, and forgotten. I should probably tell you that no matter how many times a day you text me (ironic considering I don't live there now, but when I did I got nothing...) no matter what they say and no matter what you do, I won't allow myself to be with somebody who can never feel the same way I once did. 

I wanted the mystery and allure of somebody who answered to no-one and thus, cared about no-one. I wanted to be with someone who wasn't the safe choice, the right choice, or even someone who should have ever been a choice. You wanted someone to be at your beck and call at all hours of the night, and maybe a part of me wanted that too. You wanted a sleepover princess who snuck out before dawn, when all I really wanted was to be part of your world. 

Whatever the case may be for WHY I thought I wanted you, I have to say I'm grateful for it. You taught me what I deserve and shouldn't accept in a relationship, or lack there of. You taught me how to move forward even when it doesn't seem possible. 


I should probably thank you for that, without your constant disappointment and lack of emotion, I would never have been able to see what fantastic man had secretly been put in front of me. 
I should probably also tell you that, although I never told you this, I loved you. I was drastically in love with you. And Not the fairytale romance perfection kind of way, but the caught off guard swept me off my feet with a hockey stick and broke a few bones kind of love. The kind that leaves a piece of you broken afterwards. The kind that makes you regret even starting it. Not a great love. Not a good love. Not even an "I want to remember this" kind of love. No. This love I had for you took every remaining part of me and trashed it. But I didn't see that then. All I saw was the boy who took me by the hand and kissed me like he'd never kissed anyone else. 

You'll never understand why I felt like I had to say any of this or why you won't ever hear from me again, but here it is. On paper. On page. On email. On whatever it takes for you to read this and understand that I'm done. Even if you don't understand, whatever it takes for you to stop trying to pretend like you care. 

From the part of me that couldn't let go until now,

A

(p.s. I wish I'd been brave enough to walk away before it began.)